18
Jan

I wrote this letter to my unborn daughter a little over a year ago – I had finally decided to say goodbye, and resigned myself to the fact that she really wasn’t coming earthside. Little did I know that just three months later I would pee on a stick and find out I was miraculously naturally pregnant, (even after 7 failed IVFs & 2 failed surrogacy attempts and 2 near death experiences with fertility surgeries gone wrong). I still just can’t believe she is really here, her chubby cheeks and gummy grins, thigh rolls and tiny toes, she is REAL, and she is in my arms after 7 years of heartbreak and pain. This journey has taught me that you never know when the biggest…

10
Oct

No one goes into surgery thinking something terrible is going to happen. We just roll the dice and believe we will be in the percentage of people who are lucky. How else would we allow ourselves to be put under and sliced open so willingly? I wasn’t so lucky in mid-summer 2018, I had just finished another egg retrieval for IVF, my 4th so far. I was trying to keep my hopes up that this one would result in a good embryo or two. The last egg retrieval had resulted in nothing, not a single good embryo, even though at 38 years old it didn’t seem like I could really be too old yet? Going into this retrieval I had been doing “everything” there was to…

20
Dec

Sometimes while waiting for your miracle, it can begin to feel like miracles don’t really happen. Sometimes, when tragedy strikes, it can feel like this world we live in is only full of tragedy. I wish I could bottle up the feeling you have when something comes together so beautifully in your life, in such a creative way, that it truly feels miraculous. I would keep this bottle in my bathroom cabinet and open it and sprinkle it on me on days like today. Cover myself with some of that glorious hope. (more…)