I wrote this letter to my unborn daughter a little over a year ago – I had finally decided to say goodbye, and resigned myself to the fact that she really wasn’t coming earthside. Little did I know that just three months later I would pee on a stick and find out I was miraculously naturally pregnant, (even after 7 failed IVFs & 2 failed surrogacy attempts and 2 near death experiences with fertility surgeries gone wrong). I still just can’t believe she is really here, her chubby cheeks and gummy grins, thigh rolls and tiny toes, she is REAL, and she is in my arms after 7 years of heartbreak and pain. This journey has taught me that you never know when the biggest and happiest surprise of your life is just around the corner, and to keep your chin up and keep moving forward. If I had known this is how my story would end I would have just chilled out and been at peace with the ups and downs, but of course, God doesn’t reveal the end of the story, because he wants you to lean into him. He keeps some of his greatest mysteries tucked away up his sleeve. So it’s best just to take the lessons in stride and stay the course even with things look very dark…you never know when your biggest and happiest surprise is just around the corner…..
To My Daughter,
I’m sorry baby girl. I really, really tried to bring you to this world. I know you really tried to come to me. I know you wanted to be part of this family. I know you wanted to meet your brother Cal, he is so amazing, you would have loved each other so much.
Please know I tried everything I could to bring your soul into this world. You were so wanted and loved. Your dad really wanted a daughter, I have a drawer full of the sweetest little clothes; little mermaids and dolls that I picked up over the years dreaming of the day I would get to dress you and share my love of all things sparkly and magical with you. I dreamed of rainbows on birthday cakes, I wanted your nursery to be a boho/ forest animal theme. I dreamed of you for many, many years of who you would be, what you would be like….but baby girl, your mom is tired. Her body has taken a beating. I hate to say enough is enough but I have almost lost my life three times in my quest to bring you home, and I need to live, I have a living boy who needs me, a husband who needs me, I need a healthy working body. I love you dearly but at some point the sacrifice becomes just too great. And you have to let it go. I have to let you go.
I want you to know how very hard I tried. I wasn’t selfish about it, I wanted to carry you in my womb but I was willing to give that up to get you here safely. I wanted you carry my biology but I was willing to give that up to just have you in my arms. My heart was open, my hands were open, if you were meant to come through my body, or you were meant to come through adoption, I was open to how you would come.
But mama is tired, and her heart is broken. At some point, it’s just too much to continue hoping, and it’s time to say goodbye to the dream of you. I’m sorry baby girl. I love you, but this is goodbye. I wish this wasn’t how it ended, I did as much as I could to make it not end this way, but it’s out of my control now, I can’t anymore…I’m so sorry.
I love you,